staph aureus + soup crossed off bucket list

Having a so called bucket list has always been anathema to me. And when I learned there was a movie called "The Bucket List", it irked me. (I never saw it. Maybe it was awesome.)

I think SR put his finger on why it bothers me when he said. "You mention a European country to an American and the first thing they usually say is "I've been there", you know, "I've been to Poland" as in ... "been there, done that, crossed off the bucket list, no use saying any more" type thing. Anyway, I've never found any reason to cross things off. But I am willing to make an exception for Staph Aureus food poisoning.

Working in the Urgent Care, I saw enough patients with severe food poisoning, that I had always been just 1% curious what that must be like to experience it. Now I know.

I will never again leave soup with cream in it out overnight and then eat it again --- four days later.

I spent Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday puking up every single thing that went into my mouth and watching air build up in my intestines as I became more and more constipated. These symptoms led me to the staph diagnosis. Since no one else got sick and no one else had dared eat the soup, the fact that it was food poisoning was pretty obvious.

My gas baby had been gestating for 4 days coincident with Cherelli birthing a real baby girl.

Charlie Kaye

Aw.

In the face of the illness, I was okay not running... for two days. But in this time of frustrating uncertainty about which country we are going to live in 6 months from now and what on earth our next jobs will be, I cling to my training plan like a wooby. I switched my schedule from Ole around so my two rest days were in a row and on Wednesday went out to run 8km in 37:20 (I puked at least 10 times WHILE runing and my body was shaking and sweating uncharacteristically). It felt. terrible. And my shirt was covered in puke. (I should probably mention I was not on the treadmill) The next day was supposed to be 18 km at the same pace, but I had to cut it short after 13 km in 61: (in extreme gusting winds!) because I was leaning back so much due to my big gas belly that I started irritating my hip. Plus it was still simply torture to be running. I wrote Ole and he ajusted the training plan.

Today was better. And now I remember why it is I normally love running:

 2 x 4 km in 15:51 and 15:50 with a 3 min rest (treadmill 0.5%).

It felt terrible at the time to get food poisoning, but feeling like I might die for a couple days really helped me (if only temporarily) put things into perspective. I had my beautiful boys to hug and that was what mattered. And my life and health a safety. It is strange, though, how as soon as I started feeling better again, I went back to being my greedy old self.

I will leave you with this thought: Do we as humans really ever learn anything more than how to make our lives more pleasant and convenient? (and do we need to learn more than that?)

And another question: How often do you use shampoo (in your hair)?

Give me a moment to contemplate the running song of the day - I know I have something good to recommend...

Bandera 100km: What should I have done differently?

Greetings! 

 Following the 5k PR last weekend, I had rather high hopes for the Bandera 100k. Both Alicia and I were listed among the prerace favorites over at endurancebuzz.

Unfortunately, Alicia had some knee issues after running 100km in the snow at Tuscobia two weeks prior and made the (wise) decision not to run. She was however feeling better when she captured husband and wife Høeg (below) on our 30 minute run the day before the race.

And now, she would be able to pace me. At the pre-race meeting, Roy Pirrung of the USATF (and WI) announced that pacing was now allowed in USATF ultra championships because it has been such an integral part of the ultra racing tradition. I had never had a pacer before, but I was excited about trying it.

The night before the race, I had my usual pre-race nerves. I forced myself to eat way too much at Bricks, a good restaurant in Bandera. What did I eat? Tilapia with pesto, baked beans, veggies, salad, cheesy spinach dip and a Shiner Bock beer. Top that off with some baking chocolate when we got home.

The only reason I bring up the dinner is, by the time I woke up in the morning I was feeling really nauseated. I forced down a Clif Builder's bar for breakfast, but wanted to puke. Ole had me keep a diary of what I ate the three days up to the race and I constantly felt like it was too much. (I don't know why keeping a diary made me feel like I needed to eat more). That is also what I did before 3 Days of Syllamo and the Mad City 50k, though, and had some success with it.

Alicia was such a sport, getting up with us at 5:30 am to drive SR and me to the start. We stayed at a nice two bedroom house on Doe Creek and Bandera. Alicia backed out of the driveway and hit a tree!! Both Alicia and SR got some whiplash from it. I only spilled coffee on my fancy new shirt (see below). But I am still worried about Alicia's whiplash. SR didn't seem to have any sequellae.

I know I look nervous, but I was seriously ready to take it easy on the first 50k and then let loose. I loved seeing Olga at the start. We hugged and then she said "you are too thin". You are the best, Olga. I always feel  like you are looking out for me. Photo: Olga King.

SR always looks young and cheeky. He's about to start the 50k and has just noticed Timothy Olsen will be joining his race. Photo: Olga King

100km start. Photo: Alicia Hudelson

 The start was quite technical with multiple ups and downs. I loved it. I followed a young man with beautiful dreadlocks who seemed to know where to step. I got into a rhythm, too.

It was when the two girls behind me in the picture below started gaining on me at around 5 miles, that my mind started playing games with me.

Mile 5. Photo: Brian Kuhn.

I got distracted, not knowing if they wanted to pass, and I took a nasty fall on a slippery rock climb shortly after the above photo. I might have said something like "fukc", but don't quote me on that. I can so easily get out of my zone when women pass me. Plus it is hardly a swear word in Danish and I sometimes forget how Americans react to hearing it.

It was so humid that I decided to take one salt tab at the first aid station and boy did I regret it. It made me so sick to my stomach. I was having trouble getting my head in the game and staying positive. And I was only 6 miles into the race.

As soon as I got into a rhythm again and actually repassed the gals above, my right foot started hurting. I had purchased new shoes (minimal shoes with a rock plate), which Olga had mentioned to me. I should not have attempted to run 100km in new shoes. After only 7 miles the plate was hurting me way more than the rocks would have. We went through a long muddy section. Everyone came out of this with their shoes looking like mud snowshoes, none of us able to get much above a walking pace.

I saw Alicia at mile 16 and she helped me switch my shoes and refilled my Nathan hydration pack (nice, by the way) while I put on my older version of New Balance trail minimal shoes (without the rock plate), then I felt awesome.

Arriving at mile 21 feeling great. Photo: Alicia Hudleson

I loved the aid station workers at Bandera. They were so smiley and helpful, always offering ways to help. Photo: Alicia Hudelson

Fine line between enough food and too much. Photo: Alicia Hudelson

Everything was going smoothly until I ate too much at the aid station at mile 21 (including pickles) and started puking. Of course I only started puking after a woman passed me at around mile 22. I didn't know who she was, but it was such a mental blow. I puked again and then fell, lambasting myself with the knowledge that I hadn't yet made it a marathon and I was puking and felt like crap. I kept telling myself I was out of shape and didn't belong there. The muddy trails were ubiquitous and unrunnable. Then right after 26 miles, we went through a really technical and steep section. This is when I started crying. Negativity only begets more negativity. I was completely alone on the trails. I kind of wished I had someone crewing me or just had someone to run with at this point to save me from my own thoughts. My right shoe felt like there was a rock in it, but there was nothing there when I removed the shoe - just pruned skin from all of the moisture and cotton socks from Target offering no wicking.

I thought about Daniel Ditlev asking me what kind of socks he should buy for ultras. I proudly said I only wore cotton socks as it made no difference. I felt like a fool. I got to the 50k halfway point and had the race physician tape my foot and I switched to dry socks. It helped immensely. I made it through the 50k in just over 6 hours. I had planned on running the whole 100k in 12 hours and no longer felt I could do it. So I figured I would just run until I met up with SR and Alicia and then drop. I could not take the humility of running the course in over 13 hours. (your ego can kill you in an ultra).

Now that I had essentially given up and was just running to burn the calories I had eaten over the last week, I was passed by and met a ton of people. They were all so positive, and had you met me, you would have thought the same about me. It was a great group of people to run with. The scenery was beautiful. The temperature was perfect in the low 60's F.

After 37 miles, I ate quite a bit at the aid station and felt better. I momentarily entertained the thought of finishing the race. I started running faster and put on my music. But a couple miles at a faster pace killed my right hip. I could no longer run on it. A whole group of people came up to pass me. I couldn't take it. I went off to the side of the trail and hid in a mud pile under a bush and took a nap.

This is odd behavior even for me. I hadn't been able to eat well and I am certain I was dehydrated from not being able to keep liquids down. (Can I just say that I think Heed is terrible? Once my Gatorade was gone, every sip from my pack was like embibing a bitter poison. Maybe I should stick with water in the future).

I got up from my nap and walked to mile 42. Thank heavens Alicia and SR were right there and smiling. They had been waiting there for 2 hours and were starting to get worried.

A guy named Cullen came in right behind me. He was an experienced Texan ultra runner and had fallen and hit his head on the rocks. SR and I and am EMT assessed him and then we drove him to the medical tent. It was a smart decision on his part to stop. It is the second blow to the head that is really dangerous. And he avoided that.

Below is SR accepting his hand-crafted road runner prize for 3rd in the 50k. He ran it in 4:42:28.

Photo: Alicia Hudelson

SR with one of his heroes, Timothy Olson, who won the 50k in  4:18:23. SR even got an autograph. Photo: Alicia Hudelson.

Michele Yates looked so strong as she finished and won the women's 100km race in  10:08:48. Photo: Olga King.

Seeing Michele and then Melanie Fryar shortly after her finish looking so happy and strong did reignite my desire to tackle the 100km distance again. And coach Ole is already talking about going back next year for "revenge". Would be hard to imagine a better 100km race (Joe and Joyce Pursuaites do such an awesome job and the volunteers were unbelievable) - and assuming it is not muddy next year, it will be a perfect mix of runnable trail and technical ascents and descents providing perfectly variety.

So besides the obvious not focusing on what other women around me are doing, what should I have done differently? Looking back on it, I know I just needed to stay positive, but I couldn't let go of the fact that I hadn't had a run longer than a marathon since July and was convinced I wasn't ready. And maybe my hip would have given up on my at around mile 40 no matter what.

I'll leave you with a quote from Tim Noakes that I have been pondering:

Your body will argue that there is no justifiable reason to continue. Your only recourse is to call on your spirit, which fortunately fuctions independently of logic.

I leave Bandera wondering "where was my spirit?"

A perfect 5k

One of the problems with New Year's Resolutions is they force us to see the person we currently are as unsatisfactory in a way. Of course none of us is perfect, but maybe we should look at ourselves more often and say "I am happy and satisfied with the way I am right now".

We are in La Crosse, WI again and our visit corresponded with the New Year's Resolution 5k race at the YMCA in Onalaksa. I have now run this winter race course four times.

The first time I ran it was with SR in 2007, before we were even dating. It was the first 5k I had ever attempted to run fast (thanks to the encouragement of SR). If my memory serves me correctly, I ran it in just under 23 minutes. It is always a tough race, in temperatures well below freezing, with wind and some good hills.

A year later, I was 8 months pregnant and ran it in a time somewhere over 26 minutes - after eating two enormous and wonderful muffins from the Co-op here in town (mmmmm).

Last year, I thought I had a PR in me, but with the usual tough conditions, I ended up running it in 20:35 (2 seconds ahead of the 16 year old girl Bailey Oettel), good enough for 3rd place Female.

This year would be the first time I would run it without SR. He was working a shift in the ER and my Mom had agreed to watch the boys. I arrived 1 hour and 15 minutes early. This gave me time to pick up my chip, number, change clothing multipe times, chat with the Bluff Busters Tri Club and manage a very good warmup (was sure to included multiple 200 meter sprint repeats, which seem to shock my system into fight mode). I felt I needed it since the thermometer said 11F (-11C). From the moment I started this warmup, my legs felt good. My goal was simply to beat my time from last year since I knew these were way tougher conditions than I had run my 19:34 PR in. There was even ice and snow on the course in some spots and I was afraid of falling.

When the gun went off (actually when Jamie made a fire engine sound), I started out with the second group of guys and Bailey Oettel at my side. After a half a mile, I pulled ahead of them and up to the first group of guys. I ran the first mile in 6:09 in a headwind. I stayed with the top three guys and the one who had been first dropped back to immediately ahead of me for the rest of the race. Despite the temps, there were fans screaming "GO GIRL" all the way, which was so motivating. I felt strong and non-sick the entire way. I've never felt like that during a 5k and came in in 19:24 on my Garmin stopwatch. First female, fourth overall. I almost felt like I could run it again. They had 19:28 on their chip time, but most people seemed to think the chip time was off. I can't otherwise explain a 4 second discrepancy when I started my watch immediately and stopped it after I crossed the line. Either way, a PR and a huge personal record on the course. I am thrilled with this performance!! Something in my current training plan is working - I'm just not sure if it is more speed work, less training or the combination. It's shorter than 100k, but makes me hopeful about Bandera this coming weekend.

 In an exiharating cool down run, I listed to the great Swedish band, The Knife's Marble House and savored a huge endorphin rush. Incredible you can feel that way after only running 3.1 miles.



Sorry no race pictures, but here are some from our trip so far:

Me and my mom's mom (Mormor!)

Welcome to the land of static electricity

Prachthauser-Høeg-Allen party on the marsh

Don't look for any clues about our personalities on these shelves. We're just renting a house in La Crosse.

Paroxetine & Overtraining Syndrome

I guess they were right when they said Paroxetine would cure depression. Maybe not so much actually taking the pills, but looking at them. Contemplating.

Dormant Paroxetine

Weight gain, insomnia, nightmares, "sexual dysfunction" (what exactly does that mean, anyway? - I don't want to find out). I mean come on - it's for people who are depressed to begin with!

In order to avoid putting them in my mouth, I wonder why I have had the recurring episodes of depression. Depression is a relatively new thing for me (since Mattias' birth) and it comes and goes in brief but intense waves. People who grew up with me (Sarah?? - are you there :o)) would have described me as happy and energetic. And I was. And am?

Two weeks ago, I went to the doctor and scored as having a moderate depression on what I believe was called the Hamilton Score - but it's different than the one I find online. I could not stop crying. I had again run the 200 meter intervals that day. I almost threw my iPod Shuffle in the woods on the way home because the music sounded like shit. Cry cry cry. A week later, I went to take the test again (this is required for an official diagnosis) and I was far from depressed. I was embarrassed I had felt so hopeless.

It was following along with Geoff Roes' blog that finally (I think) gave me the answer: Overtraining Syndrome. I can hardly believe I hadn't considered it or had someone suggest it to me. Maybe I thought it was a term made up by non athletes who just didn't "get it". But I have come to realize that if you take training seriously, you should take overtraining even more seriously.

If anything, I had thought Overtraining Syndrome would simply mean you were tired and couldn't perform at your previous level. But most often, the first symptom is depression. And insomnia (estimated to be present in 90% with overtraining syndrome) goes right along with it. Add to this anorexia, and you have the trifecta of Overtraining Syndrome. It seems to originate in overworked muscles that aren't allowed to rest raising cortisol levels and this affecting brain tryptophan and serotonin levels - causing the viscious cycle of insomnia, anorexia and depression listed above, which of course will negatively impact training and things can spiral from there.

Signs that you may have it include an increased resting heart rate and slower return to resting heart rate (I haven't noticed a difference). Cervical lymph nodes also tend to be enlarged as well (you may recall I had mentioned the enlarged lymph nodes in my neck in a recent post). Susceptibility to infection is also mentioned, but not something I personally have experienced. Finally, injuries that heal very slowly (check) if at all.

Here is an article from the British Medical Journal, which I found very helpful: http://bjsm.bmj.com/content/32/2/107.full.pdf+html

The thing that I can't explain is that, in the face of this, I had a dynamite training week. Although for me Christmas meant more calories and more sleep. Plus Ole has had me doing somewhat less intense sessions (I have read 6 min. repeated intervals have the greatest chance of causing overtraining syndrome of anything -and I used to do those every single week). Plus I'm not racing every other weekend like before. More is indeed not more. My mantra is that I need to enter every session feeling fresh and energetic. And I am getting there.

Here my latest training log which I sent Ole. Pretty sure you can get the gist despite the Danish. I'll translate in a few spots.

Lør - 10km på 46.50 udenfor (outside)

Søn- Skodsborg Marathon på trails i Dyrehaven - 37 km på 3.15 og havde masse af overskud og det føltes bare rigtig godt. (der var godt nok mange, som var forvirret over, jeg ikke løb en hel marathon - men jeg var hurtig at meddele, det var din skyld :o)).

Man- spinning

Tirs: 2 + 1.5 + 1 km (genial træning, synes jeg!) - 7.42; 5.45; 3.42 (!). Det var på løbebånd (treadmill) 0,5%. +  mave, baller, lår

Ons: 10km på 46.18 udenfor (igen, føltes nemt og godt) + Bikram Yoga

Tors: 4 x 1 km på banen (the track) (udenfor) gik MEGET bedre end sidste uge: 3.57, 3.54, 3.53, 3.55. Tror nemlig det hjælp at jeg varmede op med (warmed up with) 2 x 200 meter intervaller så hurtigt som muligt. 

Fre: spinning + mave, baller, lår

At this point, my right foot started bothering me because my shoe could not be tied tight enough anymore. I bought some new shoes at Fysium here in Næstved. I adore both the shoes and the store! They look just like my old shoes but logarithmically more comfortable. Wow. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds about as comfortable as they are.

New shoes on bubbleope on radiator = fire hazard

Right now I'm in the middle of an "ultra" training weekend for the Bandera 100k in two weeks:

yesterday: 32 km with SR

today: 28 km

tomorrow: 30 km (? with Annette?)
all on trails in (ok, near) our own back yard.

Running Songs of the Day: (witness taking pleasure in things I normally love)
1. When I See You by Magic Touch & Sapphire Slows
2. Breezeblocks by Alt-J

Finally - for those not friends with me on Facebook yet (or for those who stopped being my friend when I came out as pro gun control), some Christmas pics:

Does this look like a child who was so ill he would keep his parents up all night? Well, it should!  (he's all better,  and we are so relieved)

Top 10 Reads of 2012 - Merry Christmas!

As a sort of electronic Christmas gift (it's the best I can think of!), I thought I'd give you all my list of best reads from this year. Not that they were all published in 2012.

You should know that, it was not for lack of trying that there is only one fiction book listed. I must have started over 20 fiction books and finished one (it's #5 on the list). For example, I was sure I would like Once a Runner by John L Parker, but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore.


10. The Best Norse in the Long Run by Kenny Moore (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1065389/1/index.htm)
A 1986 take on the pregnant marathon and one fast woman.

9. Swim Speed Secrets by Sheila Taormina
For the first time, swimming technique I could understand and see results from.

8. I'm Here to Win by Chris McCormack
The chapters on training and, especially nutrition, are incredibly insightful - and novel. They make the whole book worth it.

7. The Mighty Cobra and the Pink Rabbit: A Diary by Miss Pink
An honest and funny take on Bikram Yoga

6. The Art of Running Faster by Julian Goater
Lots of useful tidbits. SR said he didn't recognize me from the back yesterday at our race because my form has gotten so much better. I think I have this book to thank.

5. The Hours by Michael Cunningham
As mentioned, I rarely tolerate fiction, but I could not put this down. Beautifully written.

4. Eat & Run by Scott Jurek
Reading this was pure joy.

3. Born on a Blue Day by Daniel Tammet
I didn't know it was possible to learn so much about the human mind through one book - about one person.

2. A Life Without Limits by Chrissy Wellington
Read it in 3 days and didn't want it to end. Wonderful book.

1. An Unquiet Mind by Kay Jamisson
Changed my perspective of all psychiatric illnesses and my own life. Not only that, but it is incredibly well-written and a page turner all the way through.

What about your favorites? What did I miss?

Christmas Challenge: Find SR. I'm sure you can find me. Hint: we are both wearing nissehue.

Skodsborg Juleløb 2012. The trails and company in Dyrehaven are amazing.

But my family is the best. We're just about to leave for Chistmas Eve in Værløse. 

I wish you all a safe, healthy and happy Christmas.

Winforce 100km, Solomon 4 Trails & Fyr til Fyr

Every once in a while, I get a really good email. On Monday morning, I woke up to one of these from Christian Madsen from ultrarun.com asking me if I would be the race physician for his Winforce 100k. I got a huge smile on my face, knowing of course I would say yes, but also thinking - WOW. This is not something I have tried before. I immediately contacted physicians who might be in the know about this kind of thing, and have gotten some very good help and advice already. But- if any of you readers have been an official race physician before, I would love to hear you thoughts and advice (heck, even if you're not a physician and you just want to share something).

1. So the Winforce 100km takes place August 17th here in northern Zealand in Denmark. It is a trail race and a qualifier for UTMB (and probably will be for Western States).



I also want to point out that Martin Paldan will be the race photographer and his adventure photography has such an incredible life-like quality.


I chose this one because it reminds me of Christmas lights.

I hope he gets a shot of me stitching up a wicked laceration. Okay - maybe not.

2. But, before that Alicia (of Trails & Rocks fame: http://aliciasrunningandracing.blogspot.dk/ (not working to make this a link!)) , Maria and I are going to be racing in the Alps this July. I mentioned it to coach Ole- and he is okay with it. As long as it is my last ultra before my sub 3 hour marathon attempt - in October?? Salomon 4 trails July 10th-13th. 150km, 10,000 meters alititude change. We're trying to convince SR and Alicia's husband Divesh to join, but SR wants to crew for us and Divesh wants to work on the chemistry of plastics (I kid, Divesh! But it is true.)


3. Also, since we're going in backwards order, SR and I will be running the Fyr til Fyr  60km race on the Danish island of Bornholm April 6th. It is in the Baltic Sea just off of Sweden and to me it sounds like they speak Danish with a Swedish accent. Very endearing.

Here is a map of the race:

Point to point. 60km. Bus to start. All for $40.

So lots of excitement after kicking off the year with the Bandera 100km.

Training with the help of Ole has been going well. I did 5km + 4km on the treadmill in 34:37 on Monday, Wed: 10km in 45:50 + 200 x 6 in 41 sec avg. Thurs: outdoor 1km x 5 track intervals in avg. 4.01. Not fast enough, but I'm faster than last year at this time, which makes me happy.

I told Ole I'm not much for days off, so we're working on the "benfri" (legs free) concept for those days.

For right now, the goal race plan is

Goal race #1: Copenhagen Marathon May 19th - PR
Goal race #2: Milwaukee Lakefront Marathon??  Oct. 6th - sub 3 hours

Christian (middle) with his Icelandic girlfriend, Sigrún and her little sister, Selma. The wedding will be in Mývatn, Iceland. You are all invited.

Song of the day (and the song I keep playing over and over) is Emmylou by First Aid Kit. Thanks to Steve Q for the rec. Here is a beautiful live performance SR found:

Can't keep my mouth shut

Counterintuitive as it seems, living abroad has made me more patriotic. I love the United States: it's beauty, it's originality and probably most of all, it's human diversity. It is a country that has had enormous successes and has such potential to effect positive change.

When I read on Friday what had happened in Connecticut, I was filled with such an extreme sadness. For a moment, I imagined Rasmus and me losing Christian. What would we do? What could we say? I am sure all the moms who read this blog went through this.

Immediately I thought "HOW could this happen AGAIN?" The problem with me is, I expect everyone in the world to look at things like I do - and they don't.

(as I read somewhere about America -  one guy in an aiport had a bomb in his shoe and everyone removes their shoes before boarding a plane; 31 school shootings since Columbine and nothing changes)

I posted something on Facebook about gun control and universal psychiatric care and I lost 14 friends. I couldn't sleep because it had never occurred to me how much I would offend people.

And yet, I continue here.

Can someone please tell me why ít is legal for Americans to buy automatic rifles like those used in Afghanistan? And why, last week, did Michigan legalize carrying concealed weapons in schools? I keep trying to look at it from the point of view of those who want to own guns, but I don't get it. Yet I guess I think like a Dane. I live in a country where possessing a weapon like that or bringing a gun in a school is incomprehensible. But have I become so close-minded in my safe haven that I can't understand the view point of my old grade school friends? Have I changed so much?

Then again, America, why not make owning a home nuclear bomb legal? - then we can all wonder why half of the state of New York disappears when a psychopath gets a hold of one.

But enough on that.

There is something else that I can't let go of. The killer: Adam Lanza. Before we knew anything about him, we knew he was a psychopath. People keep talking about "Aspergers", yet it seems he had no official diagnosis, despite seeming psychiatrically ill to pretty much everyone who knew him. Why are psychiatric illnesses so stigmatizing that no teachers ever referred him for care? What if psychiatric care were free and available to all like it is in Denmark? I can't help but wondering.

Forgive me, but I NEED to pose these questions otherwise I will never forgive myself. I would never forgive myself if I didn't fight for what I believe in and one of my children is killed when we move to the US.

We all believe different things. The most important thing is we stand up for what we believe in, even if we fear it might offend others because it's "political".  No democracy is healthy if its citizens don't stand up for what they believe.