Photo from Mount Royal, Frisco, Colorado.

"That is happiness; to be disolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep." - Willa Cather

Friday 26 November 2010

Near disaster

So the following story is explicit even for me. I apologize in advance; but not really.

So I have alluded to the fact that I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. And this time it lead me to one frightening situation.

So the last few days I have been so afraid of finding blood the toilet paper after I wipe that I sit there for minutes analyzing every square of paper for even a hint of blood. I happen to work at a place with recycled paper and so every so often there would be a little speck of red. I then would have to wipe over and over again to convince myself I wasn't actually bleeding. (I'm pregnant, by the way, for those just joining in now). So this went on for a few days and then I got really sore. I joked that I would actually make myself bleed. Though I didn't think I would actually take it that far.

Anyway, last night I had a horrifying dream that I started bleeding (which I referred to in my comment to Olga on the previous post).

This morning, before SR left for a weekend shift at the ER, we had a little hanky panky and "ouch" might be an adequate description. I told SR I thought I had a yeast infection. Or maybe all the wiping (how many trees have I used, I wonder. Oh, wait; a lot of the paper was recycled.).

My parents watched The Lorax for the morning and I went to the local gym (Westwood). I went for a 40 lap swim (felt awesome) and ran a 5k in a comfortable 24 minutes on the treadmill. I went into the bathroom - and when I least expected it - blood on the toilet paper!

My heart rate shot up and I just kept repeating "no!" in my head and a little bit out loud. I got angry at the bloody paper and said in my head "But you don't understand. The pregnancy test was so positive. Finnbjørn is a survivor." I wanted to cry. But then again, there was something weird. I turned back into a doctor for a moment. The blood was a streak. And it hurt when I wiped. I spent about ten minutes and almost an entire roll of toilet paper localizing the area of open skin - and I found it. I was 95% convinced it was not uterine bleeding. But I was still in panic mode - and did the only logical thing - exercised more to calm myself down. Rowing machine - return to the bathroom - stair stepper - return to the bathroom - step class - return to the bathroom two times during the class. Somewhere in there the bleeding stopped and all of my vaginal secretions continued to look their familiar whitish color. Life was good. I thought I had been thankful on Thanksgiving, but I found myself more thankful than I've been in a long time when I realized all was still well in the uterus.

I got home and checked my underwear again and, as I turned around, I saw The Lorax standing there. "Ulækker", he said ("disgusting").


cherelli said...

Oh dear, you are in a bad way!!! Just relax, your body will do what it is meant to on its own and (as far as I'm aware) there's not much you can do in the first trimester but trust it (you could confirm this with me? That's what the docs told me)...obviously you will soon ned an escort to the bathroom if this carries on - or else SR won't be getting much action for a while - and I'm sure neither of you want it to come to that :) RELAX. (oh, and yeah you can throw these words back at me next time I get knocked up).

kathleen said...

pregnancy after a miscarriage is really emotionally hard. the entire 1st trimester every time i would feel a bit of discharge, i would think to myself, "here we go". so pregnancy has become a series of mini-goals. making it through the 1st trimester. making it to the point at which i miscarried. making it to 24 weeks. making it to 37 weeks. now that i just hit 37 weeks, it's making it through labor.

SteveQ said...

Have you considered Ulaekker as a name?

You sure do have a high level of stress for someone who basically has nothing wrong in her life... things will work out.

Kirsten said...

Don't worry - you'll be fine! As you said: a bit of a OCD, a trauma last time, so much wanting to be pregnant.....Who wouldn't go bonkers with a record like that? You are a strong, healthy young woman and there is absolutely no reason why things shouldn't go according to the book. You just eat well, rest well, exercise exactly the way you feel like and feel good with - and you'll see in a little while you'll have a wonderful bump to be proud of!

Stefanie Schocke said...

Glad everything is okay! Been there! I did the exact same thing during my pregnancy after a miscarriage. (Checking every inch of toilet paper). Can't wait to read about your awesome pregnancy training!

Katie said...

Congrats on being pregnant! I was a bit obsessed with all my secretions during my first trimester too. I blame the hormones. Stupid hormones making me crazy. ;)

Kate said...

I guess I'm behind on my blog reading - CONGRATULATIONS!
Now stop rubbing yourself raw down there.