Photo from Mount Royal, Frisco, Colorado.

"Children are fascinated by the ordinary and can spend timeless moments watching sunlight play with dust. Their restlessness they learn from you. It is you who are thinking of there when you are here. It is you who thinks of then instead of now. Stop. Let your children become the teachers and you the student" - William Martin

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Saturday, 7 August 2010

You can't write that

Our nearly three week trip to the US has come to a close. We are sitting in our apartment in Næstved again. I can't help feeling that I am a different person than I was when we left. If not a better person, then a happier person. I never thought I would be able to deal with a miscarriage so quickly, but I find myself concluding that maybe it was overall a good thing. And that's the part you can't write. That a miscarriage was good. It makes it seem like I don't value Life, or something like that. Luckily I don't have any editors to please. (I just treated myself to reading the latest issue of Runner's World, which we don't subscribe to here, and was reminded how rare it is for American journalists to give their honest opinions.)

So, anyway, I promise this is the last time I will write a blog post about having a miscarriage. But I feel compelled to bring everyone along with me to the closure I've come to, since I dragged you all into this story in the first place.

Here's why it ended up being a positive thing.

1. SR and I have grown closer. We got to see a strength and sense of humor in each other we hadn't seen before.

2. I had more energy to have a great vacation with The Lorax, step son and step daughter. This was actually the reason we hadn't wanted me to get pregnant when I did. This was our last summer vacation trip to the US for at least a couple of years. The highlights were a trip to Six Flags Great America, a hike to Brady's Bluff in Trempealeau, WI and step son learning to ride his bike. We had a lot of fun (see pictures below).

3. I was humbled. Sometimes it is good to be reminded that there is a limit to what we can control.

4. I really did have a nagging feeling that something was wrong with this pregnancy. And I couldn't gather myself to assume the role of the healthy pregnant woman. Now we will not spend our lives with a child who suffers because they were just barely compatible with life. Instead, we have a chance to try for a healthy child again. (Not because I'm trying to please any editors, but yes, of course children with serious illnesses are wonderful, but seeing them suffer must be so difficult).

5. I have been scared into eating better. I have found it really hard to adjust to the Danish diet as a pesco vegetarian, who was used to buying meat substitutes in the USA which don't exist here (you can't buy tofu or any meat subsitutes in the grocery stores in Næstved). Food is just really expensive here, so you have to plan and buy only the essentials. Sadly, what I ended up with a diet of largely oatmeal and chocolate covered marshmallows (flødeboller). Well, my diet was so much better during our trip to the US, and now that we're back, I'm going to continue that trend. The first big step was buying healthy food at the grocery store yesterday. I don't know if my poor diet had anything to do with the miscarriage, but if I get pregnant again, I don't want to be stuck with a guilty conscience. Plus, hey, a healthy diet can't hurt my running, that is unless it makes me gain weight :) (I guess that subject has been discussed here before).

6. We get to go through the excitement of "trying again". Well, I don't think I need to go into much detail here.

All of this being said, I just would love to get a guarantee that I'll get pregnant again.

What did we lose? A collection of cells that was barely visible to the human eye and a bunch of dreams. As Steve Q and others in my real life have pointed out to me, there is a reason people wait 3 months before they tell others they are pregnant. Well, I've never been one to keep my mouth shut. And plus, I couldn't stand the pressure of running Voyageur without letting people know the reason I was running so slowly. Yes, yes, call it vain and it is.

Just as an aside (the following are NOT reasons I'm glad overall about the miscarriage), there have been a couple of effects of the miscarriage I just wanted to share. 1. I was surprised to lose about 4 lbs over the course of the week after the miscarriage. I have read many places that women shouldn't gain more than a couple pounds the first 2 months or so, but at least with The Lorax I gained 5 lbs right away and that is also what happened in this previous short pregnancy. I am certain it was expansion of blood volume and the fact is came off so quickly is further evidence. 2. Such a short pregnancy (8 weeks since LMP) and I am a faster runner. I surprised myself by racing a guy in La Crosse in Hixon Forest at a just above 6 min per mile pace for over 2 miles . And that was with the recent blood loss) (oh and I was leading when we parted ways, by the way). There has been a little written about the doping effect of pregnancy, but not much. From what I understand, it has to do with the volume expansion causing increased red blood cell production and then coming out of the pregnancy with relatively more oxygen carrying capacity than one's body is used to. Then there is the fact that you train at a higher weight and then lose the weight. There may be other factors that are not known. But, the reason no one writes about it is it just comes off as wrong. Pregnancy is, after all, about families and babies and not about running. Well, that is true. But, again, I have no editors, so I can write about the secondary effects of pregnancy if I like.

Finally, I want to thank everyone for the heartfelt comments on my last two blog posts. I read and cherished every one and truly touched and overwhelmed by the positive energy and wonderful honesty.

Here are some pictures from our trip, for those who might be interested.





Best song introduced to me by step-daughter: Love the Way You Lie by Eminen featuring Rihanna. Best line: "Next time there won't be a next time"

14 comments:

Ewa said...

I've been "away" from the blog world for a while so I am not up to date. Just wanted to send lots of hugs your way. Years ago I had a miscarriage also but did not have your wisdom at the time (this was my first pregnancy too). You are a wise woman and I am glad to see you can see beyond your pain and disappointment.
I wanted to make only one comment on diet. Stick with natural foods. Maybe it is good that there are no meat substitutes in Denmark. All that stuff is highly processed, often loaded with chemicals our bodies have not evolved to process.

sea legs girl said...

Hi Ewa! So glad you're back. I hope all is well with you.

Good point about the natural foods. In theory, I love them, but in practice I am way too reliant on convenience. But life is not about saying "oh well", it's about saying "it's time to change".

cherelli said...

Hey SLG, Your words are perfect for me to understand. i could just cut and paste your thoughts into my blog to save me the trouble!! I was wondering about the secondary effects of pregnancy too...I am sensing from my experience my only underlying fear is "getting pregnant again and it being successful" and yet strangely enough I have a really good vibe about next time despite my brain playing with the "what ifs" (intuition vs logic?). Anyway, enjoy playing with some new healthy eating habits and the anticipation of "getting to try again" !! :) Thanks so much for your kind words on my blog.

olga said...

Here is to the lessons:) from first to last.

凱v胡倫 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Angie Bishop said...

I love the photos! You look happy and so does the rest of your family :)

I found that after my MC my periods changed and I ovulated a few days earlier. I was worried that I couldn't get pregnant again but my cycle had just shifted.
My favorite fertility book is "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" Amazing. I was really shocked to learn things that I really felt I should have been told growing up and entering puberty.

Glad you found some closure. Its a wonderful feeling to know you are moving forward.

Angie Bishop said...

I love the photos! You look happy and so does the rest of your family :)

I found that after my MC my periods changed and I ovulated a few days earlier. I was worried that I couldn't get pregnant again but my cycle had just shifted.
My favorite fertility book is "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" Amazing. I was really shocked to learn things that I really felt I should have been told growing up and entering puberty.

Glad you found some closure. Its a wonderful feeling to know you are moving forward.

sea legs girl said...

Cherelli,

Well, I sure hope you don't cut and paste mine since I cherish reading your blog and knowing (though through the internet) a friend who is going through the same thing. I love getting the chance to view this experience also through your eyes. And I am really glad to hear about the positive vibe. Interesting that I feel the same way. Maybe we'll end up having another and healthy pregnancy together :).

Angie, that is a really interesting tidbit about your cycle shifting. Sounds weird, but I actually had the sensation that I ovulated a couple of days ago, which would have been a few days early. But perhaps I only like to believe I know my body that well. I will have to try and find that book the next time I'm in the US. Sounds right up my alley. Thanks.

And, thanks Olga. As always, it means so much to me to have your support!

Kirsten said...

Good to hear that you are back on track!

I'm surprised that you can't find meat replacements in Næstved, there should be shops that are useful. Like Superbrugsen. Or some of the Tukish shops, they probably have soya products.

What about Bilka, it's so big? We live in Finland these years so we usually can find quite a lot of Nutana products or some Swedish produced soya products. But only in the frozen products section.

And is there no tofu in the cheese area?

Finland is also pretty expensive but you don't really have a choice when you don't want to eat meat for different reasons.

sea legs girl said...

Kirsten,

You are making me think we should live in Finland... or Sweden! No, nothing soy in Bilka except soy milk. And I have found no Turkish stores in Næstved. And there is no Superbrugsen. We used to buy tofu in a Thai store, but it closed down about a year ago. I ran into Nutana products on a little trip to Sweden and I quickly realized what we were missing out on here in Næstved. But, honestly, there are of course many things one can eat as a vegetarian that don't involve meat substitutes. I just have to become less lazy. Thanks so much for your concern :).

SteveQ said...

I'm guessing, since Denmark banned trans fats and Red Bull, they saw the estrogen-mimicing isoflavones of soy and went, "No no no!"

sea legs girl said...

Insteresting, Steve. Well, I actually think Denmark is so behind in this case that they appear to be ahead. If you tell Danes about tofu or meat substitutes most give you a very blank look, including my husband, who was first introduced to them by me in the US. When I lived in France in 2001-2002, it was the same way. There was no tofu anywhere. Not even in Asian restaurants! I think Sweden and Finland are actually a little ahead in terms of tofu in Europe.

PiccolaPineCone said...

as far as I have seen, tofu is also absent in Italy.
On the flipside there are tons of lentils and beans.

偉曹琬 said...

Every dog has his day.............................................................