This is a picture of me about a year ago, not able to keep my apartment organized and really not caring. Already in this picture, though, I was in love with the guy you all know as SR. He just didn't know it.
And it was at that time I was asking myself Am I capable of loving SR's children, too? Who would I be to them?
And at first it was easy to just have fun with them and be that girl who lived next door and loved their dad and played with them. But, without being really aware of it, or in control of it, they became more to me and I became more to them.
And SR's son is making that clear to me now that he understands there is a baby in my belly. He enjoys sitting in the baby car seat, making baby noises and even washing me in the shower at the YMCA because he simply wants me to love him like he knows I love that little baby in my belly.
So, I'm finding myself becoming a mom. And not just to a little baby.
My mom came to help set up the changing table and we talked a lot about things I would need before the baby comes. She actually seems to think I'm all ready. But there are so many things you can't prepare for, of course. And when it comes to being a step-mom, not even my mom can give me much guidance.
So we'll fill our lives with baby clothes, a diaper pail and a changing table made in Taiwan, hoping these things make us ready.
But what it takes to be a good mom is time and a heart that's not afraid. I guess I've changed a lot in the past year and I don't regret it one bit. I hope more than anything now that I can be that mom and wife I always wanted to be when I was younger. At the same time, I don't want to lose my idealism or my flakiness or my love of running. And as long as I'm listing my goals, I do hope I can learn to clean, too.
Running Song of the Day: Go Places by the New Pornographers