Photo from Mount Royal, Frisco, Colorado.

"That is happiness; to be disolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep." - Willa Cather

Monday, 14 January 2008

Learning to be a mother

As the body changes, so does the mind. I used to have the body of a runner and that of an intern used to staying up all night on call. And for six years I didn't get a single period. Having a baby was far from my mind. And that was just one year ago.

This is a picture of me about a year ago, not able to keep my apartment organized and really not caring. Already in this picture, though, I was in love with the guy you all know as SR. He just didn't know it.

And it was at that time I was asking myself Am I capable of loving SR's children, too? Who would I be to them?

And at first it was easy to just have fun with them and be that girl who lived next door and loved their dad and played with them. But, without being really aware of it, or in control of it, they became more to me and I became more to them.

And SR's son is making that clear to me now that he understands there is a baby in my belly. He enjoys sitting in the baby car seat, making baby noises and even washing me in the shower at the YMCA because he simply wants me to love him like he knows I love that little baby in my belly.

So, I'm finding myself becoming a mom. And not just to a little baby.

My mom came to help set up the changing table and we talked a lot about things I would need before the baby comes. She actually seems to think I'm all ready. But there are so many things you can't prepare for, of course. And when it comes to being a step-mom, not even my mom can give me much guidance.

So we'll fill our lives with baby clothes, a diaper pail and a changing table made in Taiwan, hoping these things make us ready.

But what it takes to be a good mom is time and a heart that's not afraid. I guess I've changed a lot in the past year and I don't regret it one bit. I hope more than anything now that I can be that mom and wife I always wanted to be when I was younger. At the same time, I don't want to lose my idealism or my flakiness or my love of running. And as long as I'm listing my goals, I do hope I can learn to clean, too.

Running Song of the Day: Go Places by the New Pornographers


olga said...

Only time and personal experience make us moms, and only a Mom for each child separately with separate time and experience:) You'll be fine. You've got the heart. The rest will be natural, with mistakes and triumphs, each sweet in its own way. I wouldn't change mine a bit.

Lisa said...

Well, I dare say you look nice in the blue dress. Don't worry about being a step mom, it will come easy. You're doing great!

Meghan said...

This is a really endearing post, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I echo Lisa in saying that you look beautiful pregnant!

lilsusha said...

I just recently found your blog and am loving it!! I too have been training for a marathon and recently foung out I'm pg. My marathon is 13 weeks away and I'm about 7 weeks along. I think you ended up doing the 1/2 right? I don't remember reading your decision as to why. This is my first pregnancy--total surprise after 12.5 yrs of marriage and 2 adopted kids. AND my first marathon. Any insight or resources will be helpful.