So the following story is explicit even for me. I apologize in advance; but not really.
So I have alluded to the fact that I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. And this time it lead me to one frightening situation.
So the last few days I have been so afraid of finding blood the toilet paper after I wipe that I sit there for minutes analyzing every square of paper for even a hint of blood. I happen to work at a place with recycled paper and so every so often there would be a little speck of red. I then would have to wipe over and over again to convince myself I wasn't actually bleeding. (I'm pregnant, by the way, for those just joining in now). So this went on for a few days and then I got really sore. I joked that I would actually make myself bleed. Though I didn't think I would actually take it that far.
Anyway, last night I had a horrifying dream that I started bleeding (which I referred to in my comment to Olga on the previous post).
This morning, before SR left for a weekend shift at the ER, we had a little hanky panky and "ouch" might be an adequate description. I told SR I thought I had a yeast infection. Or maybe all the wiping (how many trees have I used, I wonder. Oh, wait; a lot of the paper was recycled.).
My parents watched The Lorax for the morning and I went to the local gym (Westwood). I went for a 40 lap swim (felt awesome) and ran a 5k in a comfortable 24 minutes on the treadmill. I went into the bathroom - and when I least expected it - blood on the toilet paper!
My heart rate shot up and I just kept repeating "no!" in my head and a little bit out loud. I got angry at the bloody paper and said in my head "But you don't understand. The pregnancy test was so positive. Finnbjørn is a survivor." I wanted to cry. But then again, there was something weird. I turned back into a doctor for a moment. The blood was a streak. And it hurt when I wiped. I spent about ten minutes and almost an entire roll of toilet paper localizing the area of open skin - and I found it. I was 95% convinced it was not uterine bleeding. But I was still in panic mode - and did the only logical thing - exercised more to calm myself down. Rowing machine - return to the bathroom - stair stepper - return to the bathroom - step class - return to the bathroom two times during the class. Somewhere in there the bleeding stopped and all of my vaginal secretions continued to look their familiar whitish color. Life was good. I thought I had been thankful on Thanksgiving, but I found myself more thankful than I've been in a long time when I realized all was still well in the uterus.
I got home and checked my underwear again and, as I turned around, I saw The Lorax standing there. "Ulækker", he said ("disgusting").
Photo from Mount Royal, Frisco, Colorado.
"Children are fascinated by the ordinary and can spend timeless moments watching sunlight play with dust. Their restlessness they learn from you. It is you who are thinking of there when you are here. It is you who thinks of then instead of now. Stop. Let your children become the teachers and you the student" - William Martin