And just like that , I'm normal again. Breathing normally and finding happiness in my favorite things.
Looking back, it must have started on Saturday. I woke up feeling actually quite fine and had a good morning. I went out for a 45 min warm-up run before my short intervals and even ran into some friends at the track. On my schedule were 200 meter intervals at between 36 and 40 seconds. I thought this would be impossible. As far as I am aware, I have never run at around a 5 minute per mile pace (and maybe for good reason). To make a long story short, I did it (though barely): times were 40, 39, 39, 40, 40, 39.
The reason I mention this, is after the second one, I suddenly had such an excruciating headache behind my left eye. I thought I was going to throw up. Certainly any normal person would have stopped, but I rationalized that running more intervals would reverse what had happened, though I was scared of it being an aneurysm.
For those of you who don't know me well yet, hypochondriasism is one of my main hobbies.
All Saturday, that headache did not go away. I had to lay in the dark and close my eyes (let me just point out, I have never had a migraine before, but have imagined this is how one feels). And then the crying started. I said over 100 times that I was dying - of a brain tumor (of course). SR told me to go lie down again. I slept a little and felt a little better.
The next day I woke up really late. Usually I go swimming with the tri club on Sunday mornings, but I had no time for or interest in that. We had also planned I'd run the Herlufsholm 10k race - and the snow was gorgeous!
And it was a tough race - very hilly and on trails. Despite the snow, I ended up running in 42.17, beating my previous record time on this course (set in warm, dry weather) by almost 30 seconds. But that is neither here nor there. Rather than focussing on it being a good race, I could not let go of the fact that because I have started taking my PPI again (due to my stomach acid causing enormous large lymph nodes in my neck) that my PPI-induced stomach pain ruined my race and limited my running. (ok, that is just an aside)
Later that night, we went to a family party in Copenhagen. Normally I love hanging out with SR's family, but before the night was over, I found myself hiding in a room, crying. Objectively there was absolutely nothing wrong. I just wish I could convince myself of that, though, at the time these things happen. The kids had a great time and of course this should be reason enough for any mom to smile.
That night I had one nightmare after another - all involving cancer. (I was about to ask SR to quit his job!)
There is no point in going through the whole week in great detail. I was just on edge all week, the edge of tears and yelling and I hate that feeling. On top of that my OCD got 10x worse. But last night, after a massage (go figure), my depressive symptoms were gone as quickly as they came. Wow! It is kind of like waking up from a bad dream and you're like - ok, this IS me. I am STILL a happy, normal person.
What is within normal? What is illness? I wish I could stop these "episodes" from ever happening again - and certainly, looking back, I have used running as my medicaion for years, without ever fully realizing that anything was wrong. And maybe nothing is. Maybe it's normal to get a bit depressed as winter rolls around. If you do, you are not alone.