Left arm in the air

So is post-ultra depression a well-known entity? The first two days after we got home, I was feeling great, sort of super-human. I just kept thinking about how awesome the race was, how proud I was of both of us.

Then I couldn't run for three days. The Bois got shots, started crying a lot more. Some woman at the Y asked me when my baby was due. And the worst part was having the step-kids over and feeling like such an inadequate, tired step-mom. Step daughter kept saying she was SR's most important child, and I was actually getting annoyed. My reaction is depressing in itself.

Anyway, I found myself with this strange desire to be The Bois. Life just passes by so quickly and I feel sometimes like I'm not living it as I would like to. If I could be the Bois I'd have another shot. And the simple pleasure I'd get out of sticking my left arm in the air.

But there's no second life. I do console myself that I can make him loved and happy. And I've been thinking a lot about how I want to affect the lives of step-daughter and step-son, too. Been thinking about what made me happy as a child. It was feeling safe, it was traditions and fun days that happened every year, it was making my parents proud.

The other night, SR was talking to his ex-brother in law on the phone and I almost started crying. I said that if I died and he went back to living with his ex-family, somehow my existence would be less important. It's a scary thought. But then I remember days like when we were at Effigy Mounds in Southern Minnesota, so in love, as I've talked about before, as if we would go up in flames. Moments like that stay with you and change you.


It has become clear that there is probably nothing more important than making the lives around me happier. There are a lot of little molecules and forces that come together to make a smile, and if we can move just one of those particles, we've done something.

So cliche, but so true.

And actually last night was great. We went to Chuck E Cheese. Admittedly, I felt we were somehow polluting The Bois by exposing him to greed, cheap fun and worthless prizes instantly forgotten. But the step kids had so much fun, and in the end, so did we. Step-daughter had a very good report card and I let her know how proud I was. There is very little that is intuitive about being a step-mom. But the biggest mistake I can make is to give up trying.

So post-ultra depression is over. And I know it was just fatigue and a change in chemistry after the run because when I look at this picture

I feel like I'm The Bois with left arm in the air.

Running Song of the Day: Fiskene i Havet by Blå øjne