Photo from Mount Royal, Frisco, Colorado.

"That is happiness; to be disolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep." - Willa Cather

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

Stepmom is an ugly word

Please excuse the diary-type entry.

I hadn't seen the step-kids in over a week. With SR working all of these 80 hour shifts and me working week nights, I rarely get to see them for more than a few minutes at a time. I had really been looking forward to seeing them. Despite limited time together, we've been getting along better than ever last few months.

I had half an hour before I had to leave for work when they walked in. Step-daughter says with her sneaky smile "Are you going to work tonight?"

"Yes" I replied.

"Good, because I don't want you here."

Well, isn't that nice. I joked around with her for a while, told her she couldn't get her favorite gum if she didn't have me as a gum dealer. Things normalized and we were laughing again.

When I got back from work she was having trouble sleeping. She came down to talk to us. We talked about moving to Denmark. She said when she has trouble sleeping she imagines being in Denmark on the beach alone with her dad.

I honestly don't know where all of this is coming from. The usual readers of this blog know how crazy I am about the step-kids. I have loved them ever since I met them. They are charming and wonderful and I try to treat them as if they were my own children. But, of course, they're not. Well, sort of. Well, I guess I just don't know.

SR was later asking me about working yet another long ER weekend on our last free weekend before we move. Tears just started rolling down my face.

Well, we stayed up until 2am talking about all that has happened in our lives in just the last year and a half. And all the changes that are coming with our move. Even SR was moved to tears when talking about his son suddenly loving to run. There is a lot going on right now. With all that out, one thing led to another and, ah yes, young love ...

I woke up at 7:30 to do step-daughter's hair for her school pictures. She wanted braids, but her hair was too short. She said her mom would put braids in her hair. I offered pig tails. She accepted. But half way through she said I wasn't doing it right. I handed her the brush and pony tail holders and told her to do it herself. Not yelling. I just couldn't take it. SR took them to school.

I walked back into the bedroom and somehow fell right asleep despite the babbling Lorax and my guilty conscience.


Anonymous said...

Hi Sealegs,
Sorry about my deleted post; still trying to figure this out ... duh. I wanted to chime in to perhaps offer you some comfort. Even when you labored 24+ hours to push out your beautiful baby girl, they still sometimes tell you "you're not doing it right!" I've learned to deal with occasional sassiness, usually with a firm but gentle, "You may not speak to me like that." And, sometimes, you do have to give them the brush and say, "That's fine. You are free to do your own hair."
Your stepdaughter is likely feeling a lot of anxiety over the move and all the changes over the past year and a half. Kids process things differently. Continue to be patient and loving as you have been and everything will be fine.

Nikka said...

Ok to be honest, I followed the link from Boobs Injuries and Dr. Pepper so i'm a random girl that randomly reads a random blog that you happen to randomly read and...yea. XD *fails at networking*

Hey, i just started reading your blog, and i wanted to say kudos for being a cool stepmom.

Abbie said...


I'm sorry. That post made me so sad. I agree with roselanwa about even our own children being sassy at times but I think it's much harder to deal with when the kids aren't the ones you pushed out. It almost seems to hurt more because you just want them to love you. You're strong. We're thinking about you and praying for the best.

Pamela Ann said...

From one SM to another. Just hug them as muh as you can, try not give advice not unless they ask and tell them you love them. Try not to offer to much of yourself, they have someone they consider their M without the S. You have so much to give your very own newborn. Nuture your child time is short, your SC will always remember the hugs and the love if you dont give the advice. They will like to hold on to something negative. Keep in mind life dont stay the same, time with them will go faster than a 5k.

Olga said...

I would offer that it is the separation coming, and that's why, like you're taking daddy away all by yourself. Kids do that.
What reminds me that I just bought a ticket to meet my future step-son i a month, and scared out of my mind. I never thought I'd be afraid to meet a kid, I am, after all, a pediatrician by heart, not only by training. What if he hates me? He just learned I exist, and not even in full details...and I won't be there fully to try and make a connection till, well, for a while.
Anyhow, hang in there. Kids are so rude and selfish at times. My older, who always responded to my emails (since he left) and never to his dad, last week switched preferences. What happened there?

green light said...

As someone who grew up in a "modern" family where not all parents were natural parents, be kind to yourself. You're doing everything you can. Lots of the issues your stepkids have are not actually with you, you're just a convenient vehicle for them to express their own fear about change. Deep breath -- you're the grownup -- let it wash over you. Being hurtful to you is a way for your stepD to exercise power within circumstances over which she has no control, and within which she probably has very complicated emotions. In 15 years, you'll all laugh together over this era. Doesn't make it easier now, but be strong.

Michelle said...

It's funny, because I gave birth to my daughter and she sometimes talks that way to me!!! And she's not quite five yet! (Man, I'm in for it with her.) Of course it's not acceptable, but it's not just step-kids who get mouthy.

Hang in there! You are doing a great job!