Photo from Mount Royal, Frisco, Colorado.

"That is happiness; to be disolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep." - Willa Cather

Thursday, 20 September 2007

Happy Puppet

This morning I woke up and I was so happy. I got to sleep again in peace next to SR. I weighed myself and still have only gained 6 lbs! Yay! And it was a beautiful day for a run.

But then I thought about what an emotional day yesterday was and I couldn't believe it had nearly slipped my mind already. I sometimes joke that I have the disorder of being constitutionally happy. I guess I doubt you can appreciate life to the fullest as a happy puppet. Yesterday I went back to my hometown to get a divorce with ex-husband, who I hadn't seen since March. In truth it was so good to see him and know he was okay. He was my best friend for ten years. And we broke up on the grounds that we had really never been more than great friends and at first it seemed mutual. But then in April he refused to talk to me. It was all to clear yesterday that though he was the same person he had always been, I had broken his heart and his life had not yet changed for the better. I would have to be heartless to not care about this. In the past, his happiness so much depended on me and there were few things that I cared about more, but now there is nothing I can do to make things better for him.

And I ask myself if I am a horrible person to have no regrets. But I met the love of my life. And have lived a fairy tale romance since SR and I started dating in March. And we are having a baby and I don't think either of us have ever been so happy. What more does one need in life? So I hope that ex-husband will find the same happiness. And regretting won't help anyone.

I hear SR's sleeping breath behind me and I know life is good. We're going to be running some fun trails this weekend. Hopefully I'll have a 20 miler on Saturday. I'll be excited to post pictures and tell the tales.

Running Song of the Day: Falling by Ben Kweller


Olga said...

One day I hope to find someone to be happy with. Right now I keep asking same question: I broke my husband's heart by telling him we need to split, and I have no regrets. The thing is, we never were friends. We were lovers, parents to our kids, co-workers...but never friends, never much to agree upon, to share an opinion about. Now seems like the whole "home-country" world is blaming - it is always a woman's fault for not been able to "bend" and keep the marriage. It is ok for a guy to see other women, yell, give commands, make decisions. It is not ok for a woman to step away from it, especially if the kids are involved. Looking back at SR's blog when his wife just left him - it feels miserable for him then. But it lead him to you. I have one of my best friends who left her ex-husband, and her new husband was left by his wife. Both men (ex and new) were basically dumped. Both had gone through pain of adjusting. Both happy now. How can I show the way to my husband that he will be happy one day, if he just lets go right now?

sea legs girl said...

Please see the blog from Sept. 25th for a response :).